November brings a focus on men’s mental and physical health, and the growth of moustaches as a reminder. In maternity care men have often felt neglected, yet Pete Wallroth, CEO of Mummy’s Star, points out the need to recognise men’s experience. In sharing his powerful personal story, he reminds us of the importance of men’s mental wellbeing and reminds us that providing support should extend further than one month a year.
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It’s more than a moustache: men’s wellbeing in the spotlight
November usually means one thing in our house – mixed opinions on my chosen style of moustache.
But why? Well, it’s Movember. The annual month of focus on everything that is men’s mental health.
The month has increased in visibility over the years from initially being flaunted by rugby players, to the creep more into the mainstream as, thankfully, the conversation around men’s mental health has become more recognised in how absolutely essential it is. In a maternity setting the work of Mark Williams, Kieron Anders (Dad Matters), Dr Andy Mayers et al have a played a monumental role in this and it thankfully continues.
In my day-to-day role at Mummy’s Star, our focus is understandably on women and birthing people as they come to terms with a cancer diagnosis in or around pregnancy but obviously 1 + 0 doesn’t = 2.
So, what about partners? And more importantly partners mental health?
As an individual I’ve always been a talker. Anyone who knows me well will tell you its something of a task to shut me up, and to that end I have also always been someone who has willingly accessed support and counselling over the years, long before my late wife’s cancer diagnosis.
That all said, my reasons for talking and getting support were never previously trauma related…until the aforementioned diagnosis in 2012 which changed our lives forever.
What I have learnt in the 10 years since, and continue to learn now, is that men’s mental health is more than an awareness day, or a week or a month in the year. It must form part of our most basic conversations within a maternity setting so that we can, at the earliest possible opening offer support avenues and intervene where necessary.
I had my mental health struggles following Mair’s diagnosis in 2012, some of them obvious to her, some of them silent. I had my struggles after she died 10 weeks after our son was born and as I juggled being a single, grieving parent to him and his 3 year old sister. But what I had not prepared for, or more to the point been aware could happen, was how the silent creep of unrecognised birth trauma could impact a subsequent pregnancy….
And it is this that we must recognise more through the power of conversation. That we all have birth stories whether as a birthing person or as a partner. It could be positive birth reflections, it could be loss in a different relationship of a baby or a partner, it could be an empowered birth, emergency c-section, having skin to skin for the first time, being ushered out of a birth room, it could be literally anything. But the point is we should want to know both perspectives.
My pregnancy history is this:
2008: Miscarriage in 2008, for which I didn’t grieve until 2013
2009: Pregnancy, natural labour and health baby girl, wife suffered PND after 5 months and undiagnosed underactive thyroid
2012: Pregnancy, breast cancer diagnosis, induced birth and baby boy but wife then died 10 weeks later
2018: Pregnancy, flashbacks, induced birth, health baby boy, skin to skin, flashbacks, blackouts, and PTSD diagnosis.
As a new or prospective parent booking in, how are you to know all or any of the above if you only look after the mother or birthing person and don’t involve the partner too? We must act beyond this.
As I shave my beard into a moustache during this month, as ridiculous as this sounds, I do reflect on the many faces I’ve shown those around me over the years, and the ones I’ve hidden from the world. The coping Dad, the crumbling widow, the confident CEO, (who fights imposter syndrome daily), the hill running addict, (who struggles to sometimes leave the house), the mental health champion, (who then doesn’t reach out himself when needed), the passionate speaker, (who at times collapses into a heap questioning if I believe what I say out loud to others.
This isn’t unique to me. We all have our many faces. But do we take the time to look at others when we speak and listen to them. And I mean really, really look. What are their eyes telling us? Often a lot more than their words ever will.
As we become surrounded by this and other messages throughout the month of November, we must remember that there being a huge focus on something for one day, one week or one month doesn’t mean we haven’t got to be consistent with the messaging and our actions all year round.
In fact this month, just as I spoke recently about Mental Health Awareness Day in October, could be one of the loneliest for many out there because when you feel surrounded by mass focus on a topic it can depersonalise it to the individual struggling and still leave them feeling unseen or unheard, or to use the hill running illustration I used, lost like a trig stone on a hill in thick fog.
Make a point this month of putting a reminder in your phone to check in again next week, next month or in a few days or a repeat reminder to check in with the person that this all makes you think of. That could be the real impact rather than the month itself.
Pete Wallroth
CEO/Founder of Mummy’s Star
Mark Williams – https://www.markwilliamsfmh.co.uk/
Kieron Anders (Dad Matters) – https://dadmatters.org.uk/
Dr Andy Mayers – https://andrewmayers.uk/
My pregnancy history is this – https://mandmsdaddy.wordpress.com/
October 2022